I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
