the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
