I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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