I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
