when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
