every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
