Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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