why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
