so that wasnt chicken after all
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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