Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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