she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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