Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
