i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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