Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
