6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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