Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So many bounce houses so little time
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
