oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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