cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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