I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
