I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
