I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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