i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
