just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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