My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
