i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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