I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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