I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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