Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
