I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i need some magic done to my vagina
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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