you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
