is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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