I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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