why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
