I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
