Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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