Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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