No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
