i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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