Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
