Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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