I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
