You really coming over, don't trick.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize