I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
