Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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