I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
