The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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