Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
