Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
