i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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