i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
