I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
