We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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