when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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