Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
