Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
