When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
wow bdsm is so cute
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
