I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
