I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize