Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
