Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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