On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
