I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
