I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He passed out mid-signature
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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