I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
