You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
