At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
