I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
