You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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