***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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