he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
