god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
