Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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