i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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