I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
